The Nature of Comparison

June 23, 2009

I compare myself to other girls. Men don’t factor in. They exist in a completely different sphere. They don’t have breasts.
Specifically, I compare myself to ex-boyfriends’ new girlfriends or new boyfriends’ ex-girlfriends. This is a foolproof method for evaluating my overall worth in life.
Physical comparison is the first type that comes into play. The question is, “Empirically, who is more attractive?” This question involves an intensely complicated mathematical formula too lengthy and obtuse to fully describe here, but a simple breakdown of face + hair/breasts x ass (legs)(overall sex appeal) = H will do for our purposes. Of course, “H,” the variable that must be discovered, stands for “hotness.” Using a more scientific version of this calculation, I find that I almost always end up with a higher H than those I’m rating myself against.
Next, the job/talent of the current/ex-gf is evaluated. I say “job/talent” because my job involves mundane legal transcription, but my talent is writing, which is beyond cool. If one’s talent also happens to be one’s job, one’s stock goes up. For instance, if an ex’s current girlfriend is an amazing graphic designer who gets paid for creating great art, she would theoretically win this round. Or not-so-theoretically.
Okay. On to location. Is she closer to Dolores Park or am I? The one closest to the park wins.
An important factor: Did she solicit emotions/action from current/ex-bf that you have never/not yet solicited? Major case in point: Did current/ex-bf tell her he loved her, but I’m stuck at a “I like being with you” impasse? Many extra points to her in this scenario. She has something I don’t.
In the interests of not sounding overly whiny or dramatic, it must be clarified that there are any number of comparison variations (loyalty quotient, 1-10 humor scale, cuteness of bicycle, ability to hold liquor, etc.) and I usually come out on top.
And that should tell you something.


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